Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Poop Rules

        Priding myself at being a good citizen and a good dog owner, I clean up my dog’s poop, although I must admit I do not enjoy putting a large pile of steaming cable into a plastic bag and then carrying it for a mile or more to the nearest garbage can.                                                                                                   I have quickly created several rules about that chore:                                       1. If the home is abandoned or in foreclosure, a clean up is not necessary.  Yes, this is an additional penalty for those going through foreclosure.  If I had the energy, I would have brought my bag of steaming dog poop to the bank that offered the original loan and deposited it there.                                                                                           2. Empty lots that were formerly beautiful gardens filled with desert plants, but which are now empty except for the “LOT FOR SALE” sign are also perfect receptacles for Gizmo’s aromatic gifts.                                                                 3. Gizmo gets praise when he waits until we are within 50 feet of a designated doggy refuse container, meaning that I do not have to carry my plastic bag all that far.                                                                                            4. Garbage cans placed at the curb for collector pick ups are fair containers for Giz refuse.  Yes, I saw the Larry David HBO show in which he got into a huge argument because he put garbage in someone else’s garbage can.  And I do not do this when the owner is patrolling his can.  However, I do believe in stealth poop dumping.                                                                                                             5. If I see another dog owner leaving his pet’s poop, even if it is in places where I have allowed Gizmo’s poop to fester, I feel severe disapproval for his or her non-action.  I secretly hope he or she can feel my negative vibes.
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?” Jerry Seinfeld

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